It is the normal thing to do!
For real? When did being the “normal” thing to do be a reason for getting hitched? Hmmmm! Makes me take a couple of steps back and wonder WHY there are so MANY issues in marriages these days!
When did other people’s expectations become MY yard-stick for deciding to dedicate MY ENTIRE LIFE and of course the life of my one and only child to another human being? Is he Jesus Christ??? SMH!
This statement came from a dear friend who obviously according to her, was looking for the “right time” to ask me about WHEN I will RE-MARRY! She has been thinking about me she said 🙂
Well, well, well, my dearest “S.O”, please do not be worried! As you very well know, there are reasons behind my staying “empowered.”
Back to the marriage question S.O! I promised to answer you on this forum because I know some others share your sentiments as well as for other women in my shoes who could take or add one or two things.
- No, I am NOT in a hurry to re-settle.
- Yes, I accepted a while back that Adams (R.I.P) is with God, and that I will not see him on this side again.
- Yes, I have standards and NOT ready to compromise them – my child TOPS the list!
- No, I am not waiting on someone as rich as Dangote!
- Yes, he better have to ability to fund his bills, and mine join together!
The truth is that marriage is NOT what it is supposed to be! I do not deceive myself even when the world think they are deceiving me! 🙂 How many marriages are TRULY married?? Yes! I know what I wrote! How many? This is a question that brings silence in instances I have asked the question.
Just like we all know that what people showcase to the world either physically or on Social Media is most times not the real picture. It is quite sad that, that couple you envy and use as a yardstick for your relationship could be the worst enemies behind closed doors. The husband, (and quite unfortunate these days), and even the wife could have not just one, but a string of side-pleasurers! (Hey! Mama Denzel’s post is an example!) DNA will now be in question! Hmmmm!
I am definitely NOT ready to hang on to something or someone on a slim thread line. Mba! Raara! Not at all! Ko joor! Not at this age and stage. There has to be something I am missing that this person can provide! I am not in search of someone to “complete” me, but rather “compliment” me! It is as simple as that!
Again, this boils down to being a minor’s caretaker! As a mother, people tend to forget that I have to put my son first before making most decisions. Well, maybe I do not have to, but I CHOOSE TO! That being said, My choices has to be well thought of!
I refuse to be part of the statistic of women that I call M&M – Married & Miserable. I will rather stay S&H – Single & Happy! I have seen women get married because “it is the society’s expectation” and of course “the normal thing to do”; and what becomes of them? They not only lose their identity, they lose their confidence and sometimes themselves!
In at least one of the cases, the woman IS enduring years of selfishness and immaturity. She is acting as the bread-winner while the dude has series of excuses lined up to abdicate his financial responsibilities to his family and concubines. Some men do not even work while the women slave away! Yet, they want to call themselves MEN! For real? Man mi, I do not care if it is going from one site to another and helping mix concrete, as long as it is legit, STEP UP TO THE GAME AND BE A MAN BY YOUR ACTIONS! Do not make your wife a single parent in a marriage! Respect is EARNED and NOT given freely!
In another case, the child of the woman whom she of course brought into the union, endures both emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his stepfather. Now, before they married, he said all the right things and after the wedding, viola! The truth emerged with alarming clarity – but too late it was right? Hmmmmm! NEVER will I subject my son to such!
So, for my fellow single-mothers, please consider the following before rushing into a life of woe! You have to really consider your child(ren) – because that is what MOTHERS do!
- This is not just about you! It is about your child(ren). Consider them first. True, they will grow and move out of the house and continue their lives, but that is not the reason to make them miserable for a single second! Think about it – if they are not happy while in the house, they probably will not visit when they are out! Also, children are highly intuitive creatures, and pick up on signals adults often overlook. Check your child’s interaction with this your Knight in shining armour 🙂
- How is the man’s attitude towards your friends and family? Does he try too hard to get them to like him? Does he feel inferior by exaggerating his accomplishments? Does he avoid them and resent your time with them? Hmmmm!!! RED FLAG!
- Is he so gifted with ignorance and arrogance to tell you how much of a blessing he is to you, and how difficult it would be for you to find a man if things don’t work out between you both? OMG! Still waiting for that kind of man! Abegi, RUN! 🙂
- Does he have obvious anger and control issues? Is he charming one moment and critical and demeaning the moment you do or even say something he doesn’t approve of? My dear, RUN! He may be a potential abuser, even if he has never hit you! This kind of man can’t stand a woman excel more than himself! Alele! RUN!!! 🙂 🙂
- When discussing your finances, does he include your child(ren) in his long-term financial planning (college fund, retirement planning e.t.c?)….. even when he knows you can afford it!
- How is his attitude toward your success? This is VERY important to me. Some men can’t handle a woman who is a go-getter and won’t settle for less.
- In your hearts of hearts, do you honestly feel you can trust him to make good choices for your child and self, and that his heart is big enough to accommodate you even if no other children enter the picture?
If you are unsure of the answer to any of the above questions, it is better to wait until you have an answer than to rush because of course, IT IS THE NORMAL THING TO DO! Relax and please take all the time you need. It is very worth it!
Long and short of it dearest S.O – when I am ready, trust me, you will be the first to know. For now, I am good with the checked box in the word picture below. 🙂
And NO! It is NOT the normal thing to do!